Reality TV Response: Big Brother 8, Rock of Love, Pick-Up Artist

Big Brother 8 - CBS

Aw, Zach ... every time I think you've ticked me off about as much as you possibly could, you manage to outdo yourself. Bravo, sweetie.

Trying to turn on the Donatos now is a ridiculously huge mistake. Daniele has won more POVs than anyone else in the game, and if she gets it there's no way she's not gonna get in there and pull herself or her dad off the block.

Look at it this way - whoever wins POV is the sole vote this week, unless it's Zach. Dick or Daniele wins it, Jameka's on the block, and the family duo stays true to themselves. Jameka's going home this week, no doubt. All Zach has done is paint himself a big ol' target to wear around. Hope he likes the fit of it.

Zach had better hope he doesn't make it to the final two, he's played such a dead-fish game that it's inconceivable that he'll walk away with the money. And if by some fluke of fate he does win it, I hope the check gives him a papercut. Friggin' Zach ...

Edit: Tues, Sept 11 ... Haha, Zach. Ha-dee-ha-ha. The Donatos have got you in a corner now, buddy. You'd best keep clinging to that key or you are outta here!

Edit: Thurs, Sept 13 ... I pledge allegiance ... to the Donatos ... and their totally rock-solid alliance.

The father-daughter duo has done something no alliance has managed before - they took each other to the final two with unwavering focus and hardcore gameplay. You may think Daniele is whiny, and you may think Dick is, well, a dick, but there is no denying their skill and strategy. If it couldn't be Eric, then I'm so glad it's them!

Rock of Love - VH1

Tonight's episode was intense! Now we're getting into the rock side of Bret's life ... sex, music, and projectile vomiting. Bret whisks his ladies away to his gig in Vegas, and they thank him by getting completely faced, obnoxious, and sexually frustrated.

Told you this show had class.

Apparently seeing Bret perform onstage makes all the girls crazy-horny, as that's all any of them talk about in the one-on-one interviews later on. They rattle on and on about how sexy their man is, ad nauseum. Quite literally ad nauseum, as later on Brandi and Lacey get as drunk as humanly possible, become violent ill, and generally make total fools of themselves. They will be living this episode down for the rest of their lives.

At dinner, Lacey throws up under the table and is sent to her room. She has to be carried due to her inability to even stand up anymore. Not five minutes later, Brandi projectile-vomits into her napkin and drunkly declares her love for Bret while he holds her head over the toilet. Heather raids the table and hauls off like four pounds of leftovers.

To further amp up the class of this episode, Bret invites Jes to stay for a "nightcap." I must say, he seemed to have more than a nightcap on his bandanna-smothered mind ... seeing as she didn't make it back to her room that night, and her hair was plastered all over the place next day ...

After the sex and nausea part of the show, we return to the backstabbing and catfighting that is the norm for these girls. Brandi digs herself into a hole and gets herself in the hot seat, Lacey is a crazy malicious psycho and whips up fake tears, Heather continues to be an old stripper, and so on. Bret introduces the theory of "pole emotions," where he states the belief that strippers have trouble falling in love and thus he cannot trust Heather fully. What a scholar that man is.

Then there's sex again, and nausea on the audience's part. Bret abandons Heather, who has his name tattooed on the back of her neck, to hook up with Crazy Lacey.

What. In. The hell. Somebody, quick! Loosen his bandanna! He's having enough trouble with his bloodflow, what with his constantly getting turned on and all ... he needs as much of it to get to his brain as is possible.

In the end, Bret kept the two girls he got, ahem, quality time with, and Brandi checked out after telling Bret she couldn't let her guard down with him. Sadly, Lacey wasn't escorted out by the bouncer like I'd hoped! Oh, well. We've got a few more episodes to go, there's still time.

Next episode: meet the parents. It looks like it's gonna be another tough one for Lacey, and hopefully she'll finally take the friggin' fall!

The Pick Up Artist - VH1

Review coming soon, I seem to have the hardest time catching this show on premiere nights!